god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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