I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
vagina is talking i cant
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You need Xanax blowdarts
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water