DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.