A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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