upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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