I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
