They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
