Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
