My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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