We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
