He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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