I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
