There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
