I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
