I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
