Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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