when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
