i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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