if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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