remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
