his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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