the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He has the fingertips of a God
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
