It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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