sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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