I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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