..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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