I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
