New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
