hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
