Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
