You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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