just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
