The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
