I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
