I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
