I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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