The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
