god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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