I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
