I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
