I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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