I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize