he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
