we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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