I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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