You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
