My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
