I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
