Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
