just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
