Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
