Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
