Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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