8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
