I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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