problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
