just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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