His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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