R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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