You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
