So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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